The Spandex Resurrection Strategy
And so we find ourselves back at the beginning of the end because the Marvel Cinematic Universe has finally run out of ideas and started raiding the retirement homes of the early 2000s. But you knew this was coming. Because James Marsden is coming back as Cyclops in the third Avengers: Doomsday trailer and the fanboys are weeping like they just saw a ghost which, let’s be honest, they basically have. And it is hilarious. Because after years of trying to make us care about Eternal space gods and CGI ants, Disney has realized that the only way to get people into seats is to jingle the keys of our collective childhood in front of our faces like we are toddlers in a high chair. But is it enough to save a sinking ship? Probably not. Because nostalgia is a drug that builds a quick tolerance and we are all overdosing on the past at an alarming rate while the future of cinema looks like a blank green screen.
And then there is the Joss Whedon of it all. But we don’t talk about him like we used to. Because the man who was once the god of the geeks is now the pariah of the industry and his old projects are being picked apart like a carcass in the desert. And the news that Eliza Dushku’s Faith spin-off didn’t happen is resurfacing just in time to remind us that once upon a time, even the most bankable franchises could trip over their own egos. But Eliza was smart. Because she chose Tru Calling instead of staying in the Whedonverse and while that show died a quick death, it probably saved her from the toxic fallout that eventually consumed the Sunnydale set. And yet the fans still mourn for what could have been. But why? Because we are obsessed with the ‘what ifs’ instead of facing the ‘what is’ which is a Hollywood that has become a recycling plant for mid-tier IP.
The Faith Spin-Off That Died For Our Sins
But let’s talk about Eliza Dushku because she was the original bad girl that every millennial wanted to be or be with. And she had the world at her feet. But when the offer for a Faith-centric spin-off came after Buffy ended, she walked away. Because she wanted to do something different. And that choice is now being looked at through a microscope because of the ‘new’ Buffy series that is supposedly drawing closer with Sarah Michelle Gellar. But do we really want a new Buffy? Because the original was a lightning-in-a-bottle moment that relied on a specific kind of late-90s angst that you just can’t manufacture in the age of TikTok. And yet, the machine keeps grinding. Because money doesn’t care about artistic integrity. But Eliza knew something we didn’t. Because she saw the writing on the wall before the ink was even dry.
And what does this tell us about the industry? Because it tells us everything. But specifically, it tells us that we are trapped in a loop. Because if you aren’t rebooting a 20-year-old show, you are bringing back a 50-year-old actor to wear a visor and pretend he can still lead a team of mutants. And James Marsden is a charming guy, don’t get me wrong. But his return as Cyclops is a white flag. Because it means the new X-Men plan is so flimsy they have to lean on the Fox era like a crutch. And it’s pathetic. But we will watch it anyway. Because we are part of the problem. And the Joker in the room is laughing because he knows we’ll pay thirty bucks for a popcorn bucket and a ticket to see a movie that is essentially an expensive funeral for our own youth.
The Whedon Curse and the Marvel Desperation
And because Joss Whedon’s name is still attached to the DNA of these properties, we have to address the elephant in the room. But the elephant is wearing a cape and has a history of bad behavior on set. Because Whedon’s fall was the first domino in the collapse of the ‘Auteur-Producer’ era. And now we have Marvel trying to recreate the magic of the first Avengers without the man who made it happen. But they are failing. Because you can’t build a house on a foundation of sand and expect it to hold up during a hurricane. And Avengers: Doomsday is that hurricane. Because it’s trying to do too much. But it has to. Because the MCU is bleeding out and James Marsden’s Cyclops is just a very expensive Band-Aid. And you can’t fix a severed limb with a Band-Aid. But they will try.
Because the logic of the modern studio is to double down on what worked twenty years ago. And it is a death spiral. But it’s a beautiful one to watch if you have a sense of humor about the apocalypse. Because the irony is that Eliza Dushku refusing her spin-off might have been the last moment of genuine artistic agency in the genre. And since then, it’s been nothing but contracts and multi-film deals that look more like indentured servitude than acting. But hey, at least we get to see James Marsden in blue spandex again. And isn’t that what life is all about? Because if we aren’t looking backward, we might have to look forward. And forward looks like a very dark room with nothing but a subscription fee to keep us warm. But we deserve it. Because we kept asking for more. And now we have too much. But we have nothing at all.
And then there is the new Buffy lead. But who is she? Because she isn’t Sarah Michelle Gellar. And she isn’t Eliza Dushku. But she is the new face of a corporate mandate to keep the ‘Slayer’ trademark active. And it’s soul-crushing. Because the original show was about growing up and the pain of existence. But the new version will be about diversity metrics and social media engagement. And that’s the real vampire. Because it sucks the life out of every story it touches. But we will stream it. Because we are bored. And boredom is the greatest enemy of the human spirit. But the studios know that. Because they are the ones who bored us in the first place.
And so we wait for December. Because that’s when the theatrical release of Avengers: Doomsday happens. And we will see if Cyclops can save the day. But he won’t. Because the day has already been lost. And we are just living in the aftermath. But it’s a shiny, loud, and very expensive aftermath. Because that’s the American way. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because it’s funny. But it’s also sad. And mostly it’s just exhausting. But keep buying the tickets. Because the machine needs to be fed. And you are the food. But you already knew that. Because you’re smart. And you’re still here. But why?
